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Vital Connections

Couples Counsellor and Relationship Therapist in Exeter, Taunton and Online

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Expectations – Relationship Maker or Relationship Breaker?

Expectations can be both maker and breaker of our most intimate and precious relationships. It’s important to understand how much power they can have over our connection. Their power arises out of their place in our subconscious. In the fact that they are most often untested and un-scrutinized.

All too often, we acquire them rather than choose them ourselves. Added to that, our implicit belief that if we love each other, we must both share the same expectations is where the damage is most often done. It is essential that we bring them out into the light and find out if they belong to us or to  someone else’s story that we carry about love.

There are two areas where they hold this power. One is over the relationship itself, the US.  The other is over the individuals, the ME and YOU.

The Relationship Itself….US

In the first thrill of relationship we tend to share our dreams and our hopes, but often with little detail of how we will achieve them. The how doesn’t matter, the excitement carries us along and it feels as if it will last forever.

Whilst we might have identified our dreams, our expectations have often not been aired between us or agreed upon clearly. Without realizing, we draw them from our role models, the media, our friends and our fantasies. Perhaps our story of love is not even ours, but belongs to others we have encountered and respected along the way. Sometimes, we are completely unaware of our own expectations and how they drive our behaviour daily.

Some say that if you lower your expectations, you won’t be so disappointed but love is far too important to risk ending up with second best.  Not only is it too important, but it can also be pretty tricky at times and we need our best resources and strength to manage those times.

Research has found that people do get what they expect in their relationships. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they’re treated poorly, whereas people with high expectations find themselves in relationships where they’re treated well.

The reason why Hollywood films are so successful is that they address our hope to love and be loved. Unfortunately, they also raise our expectations based on pure fantasy. And here lies one key to how expectations can make or break your love.

Hope and expectation must be based on reality –they are the motivator for us to continually keep going back around and trying again. If our expectations are based purely in fantasy, hope can’t flourish and we’ll meet nothing but disappointment. Our energy simply seeps out, and we come back around and try again less and less often.

So, to turn breaker into maker here, air and share your expectations for your relationship.

Ask yourselves:

  • What expectations have you inherited/taken on from elsewhere?
  • Which belong to you?
  • Which are the most important?
  • Which ones do you both have in common?
  • Which ones are different?
  • How can you navigate the differences without feeling threatened?
  • How can your expectations inspire hope and energy?

Agree on what is realistic for you both and be prepared to go back and revisit them over and over again. This is especially important because setting them in stone makes for trouble. Growth is the air that breathes life and health into our love.

Two Individuals…. ME and YOU

Another maker or breaker is when we place all our expectations for our personal fulfilment on our partner. In my experience with the couples I work with, this is often our new norm now that we have moved beyond the marriage ideals of our parents’ generation with their predefined duties and roles. We are looking for self-expression and personal fulfilment. Great if we’re prepared to take responsibility for them first, but when we lay the responsibility at our lover’s feet, we put them in an impossible situation. 

Our demands increase so gradually over time that they are barely noticeable. Slowly but surely, these demands are tolerated more and more without realising it and resentment starts to set in on both sides – one because they feel they can never get it right, and the other because they’re constantly disappointed. Without realising it, we become consumers of love, focussing on our unmet needs, ever more disappointed and ever more ‘hungry’.

This subconscious pattern feeds itself with its own energy until we suddenly wake up and realise how bad it has become. Small arguments have turned into big arguments, unfulfilled expectations are dropped, and one, or both of you stop caring. This is the breaker.

To turn breaker into maker here, the solution is to turn your expectations onto yourself.

Ask yourself:

  • What is my story about love?
  • What am I expecting and how realistic is it?
  • What can I provide for myself before I ask it of my lover?
  • What am I actually getting that has been previously overshadowed by my disappointments?
  • What can I understand and accept?
  • How can I help my lover give me what I desire?
  • What can I give him/her?

 

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How to Complain – Effectively!

Complaining is not a word I like because its negative connotations imply your right to express
disapproval and have it met with instant change. Which of course doesn’t usually happen. And that’s because disapproval feels like a moral judgment and no-one responds well to that.  I prefer to use something like ‘expressing dissatisfaction’ but it’s not as catchy of course.

One of our mentors, Terry Real has a great 5 step process for complaining which I want to share with you:

Before you begin though, ask yourself why you want to express your dissatisfaction. This will affect your tone, your body language and the words you use so it’s pretty important.

Do you:

  1. Want to vent and show you’re right?
  2. Want to change your partner?
  3. Want a better connection?

If you want to make things better then here are your 5 steps:

Step 1) This is what I observed

Stick to the facts that a video would have recorded. Keep it simple and behavioural. Don’t interpret or make assumptions. For example, ‘You came in, made yourself a drink and went straight to your laptop without greeting me.’

Step 2) This is the meaning it had for me

We all interpret things differently and must take responsibility for what we perceive and make up about it.

By saying ‘The story in my head is…’ you can share your interpretation without blaming or accusing your partner. Remember, you want to keep them engaged with you. They are likely to drop out at the first whiff of judgement.

For example.’ The story in my head was that I must have done something wrong and you were cross with me.’

Step 3) This is how I felt

Again, take responsibility here. No-one makes you feel anything. Remember not to make any judgements on your partner or their experience, just talk about yourself and your own feelings.

For example, ‘I felt rejected and hurt.’

Step 4) Here is something you could do or say that would make me feel better

Make sure you tell your partner what you want from them. A clear request will help you get what you want. (Remember to steer well clear of demands).

For example, ‘If you have something pressing to do before greeting me, please could you let me know?’

If you don’t ask, you can’t expect to get!

Step 5) Let it go

Now that you’ve communicated your thoughts and feelings you need to let it go. You’ve done what you can to make things better.

Watch Terry explaining it here

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Finding it Hard To Receive Words of Love and Affirmation?

 

 

I can live for two months on a good compliment

Mark Twain

Many of us find it very difficult to accept compliments. We either brush them off with self- deprecating words and reasons why they can’t possibly be true or we cancel them out by remembering the last critical comment we heard from the same person. At the very least, we feel uncomfortable. Sound familiar?

Why do we do that? Because many of us have poor self- esteem and our internal dialogue speaks a different language. It speaks the language of failure and of being unlovable. Of being too fat, too thin, too wrinkled, too stressed, too anxious, too reactive, too boring, just plain old ‘TOO’.

One of the wonderful things about a compliment is that we actually get to hear someone else’s experience of us. They have their own view and see us differently. If you can get through the initial discomfort and FEEL the compliment, it will quickly put a smile on your face and create warmth and energy between you.

Not only that, but receiving a compliment increases the dopamine in our brains. It makes us feel better about ourselves and inspires us to go back for more by repeating whatever we did or said. Or by just continuing to be our best selves.

Notice how delighted you feel when you give a compliment and it lights up your partner’s face. Conversely, notice how it feels when your compliments fall on deaf ears and are rejected.

We all crave positive attention and need to have positive energy shared with us. Perhaps if we can practise receiving compliments, we can inspire others to do so as well.

Don’t forget that we need 5 times as much positive to cancel out the negatives in our relationships so every compliment is as GOLD!

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How to Navigate Your Partner’s Bombshell!

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you are happily ticking along?

Life feels good. Life seems good for your partner too. Even better, the two of you seem to be ticking along together remarkably well.

Then comes the bombshell. Your partner suddenly suggests a huge change. They want to throw all that ‘ticking along happiness’ into the air and suddenly the ground beneath you shifts. It opens up and you’re falling. And you can’t quite catch a foot hold, let alone a hand hold.

Or maybe things haven’t been that great. Maybe you’ve been scratching your heads together for a while but haven’t come up with an answer.

Perhaps you’re happy but you suspect your partner isn’t quite as happy as you are. You bury the thought and just hope he’ll ‘man up quietly’. Or that she’ll just ‘get over it’ and everything will be fine.

And then the bombshell. A new job perhaps, far from home, far from your friends and family. Far from the school your child has just settled into. Far from your own job.

A new house, just when the one you’re in finally feels like home, and what’s more, the home you’ve always longed for.

Or maybe, it’s ‘Let’s bring Mum/ Dad to live with us.’ And your head spins. You can only see all the reasons why NOT.

Now you’re terrified because your partner has caught the vision and you know they will never be able to settle again. Meanwhile, you can’t even find a place to process it in your own head.

There are two essential reactions to avoid in this situation.

The first is that you try to change your partner’s mind. You gather in all your best persuasive powers and push hard to stay where you are. You use the children, you use the grandparents, you use the dog. You are just too scared to contemplate losing this one. And the fear does an excellent job of keeping a balanced view way out of sight. It feels like a life or death situation and you must win at all costs. But your win will be at the expense of your partner. Because in this mind-set, you have forgotten that you are a team, that you either lose together or win together.

The second bad reaction is to cave in to avoid the tension and to keep the peace. Compromise has no place in this situation either. Many people think that relationships are about compromise but I disagree. Yes, they are about small daily compromises that are unimportant on the grand scale of things. But compromise can imply loss. Giving yourself up over something big does not bode well for the long-term. It can lead to resentment. And unresolved resentment ends up as contempt.

Couples are often afraid of conflict and assume it means they have a bad relationship. But healthy conflict is good for growth as long as you repair well. And in this case, as long as you know how to negotiate.

Successful negotiation needs careful preparation. The first thing to do is to find out where this new challenge sits in your relationship. Does it sit between you and separate you? If so, then take it out and put it on the table in front of you – then move onto the same team and start the work together.  Identify your shared values for the negotiation first. Then identify your goals.

Prepare yourselves by asking what anxiety feels like in your body when you’re triggered. Find your own soothing mechanism that you can use during the process when you begin to feel upset.

Next break the bombshell down into pieces. What does it mean? What is important?

What do you think, what do you feel, what do you want and why?

Once all your cards are on the table, it can be helpful to put a value on them. Perhaps a number according to their importance to you. How important is it? Are some more important? Others less so?

Consider how the different options might turn out for you – with an open mind.  Knowing what you want is not the same as getting what you want. However, it is an essential part of negotiation because you must be standing on your own ground before you can choose how and where to move to. It must be an ‘I chose this because’, not an ‘I had no choice, I had to keep him/her happy’.

It is vital that you know what you want on your own behalf, and then you can ask yourself what you might want on your partner’s behalf. In this way we take responsibility for our choices.

Win-win solutions are hard to attain and require a lot of self –awareness, patience and especially a lot of courage.  You will need to be curious and genuinely interested in your partner’s values, reasons and preferences.  Most importantly, remember that negotiation is an ongoing process.  It is not a single event.

If this seems like really hard work – it is. But it can be fun too, especially if the bombshell is just about a move. I know from experience because my husband and I went through it several years ago when we moved country, continent, culture and language – with our three children. And then we went through it again nearly 20 years later when we moved home. But it was worth it because at no time has either of us been able to blame the other for the tough stuff. The reason being that each one of us made the choice ourselves – with both feet.

Good luck!

 

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