Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you are happily ticking along?

Life feels good. Life seems good for your partner too. Even better, the two of you seem to be ticking along together remarkably well.

Then comes the bombshell. Your partner suddenly suggests a huge change. They want to throw all that ‘ticking along happiness’ into the air and suddenly the ground beneath you shifts. It opens up and you’re falling. And you can’t quite catch a foot hold, let alone a hand hold.

Or maybe things haven’t been that great. Maybe you’ve been scratching your heads together for a while but haven’t come up with an answer.

Perhaps you’re happy but you suspect your partner isn’t quite as happy as you are. You bury the thought and just hope he’ll ‘man up quietly’. Or that she’ll just ‘get over it’ and everything will be fine.

And then the bombshell. A new job perhaps, far from home, far from your friends and family. Far from the school your child has just settled into. Far from your own job.

A new house, just when the one you’re in finally feels like home, and what’s more, the home you’ve always longed for.

Or maybe, it’s ‘Let’s bring Mum/ Dad to live with us.’ And your head spins. You can only see all the reasons why NOT.

Now you’re terrified because your partner has caught the vision and you know they will never be able to settle again. Meanwhile, you can’t even find a place to process it in your own head.

There are two essential reactions to avoid in this situation.

The first is that you try to change your partner’s mind. You gather in all your best persuasive powers and push hard to stay where you are. You use the children, you use the grandparents, you use the dog. You are just too scared to contemplate losing this one. And the fear does an excellent job of keeping a balanced view way out of sight. It feels like a life or death situation and you must win at all costs. But your win will be at the expense of your partner. Because in this mind-set, you have forgotten that you are a team, that you either lose together or win together.

The second bad reaction is to cave in to avoid the tension and to keep the peace. Compromise has no place in this situation either. Many people think that relationships are about compromise but I disagree. Yes, they are about small daily compromises that are unimportant on the grand scale of things. But compromise can imply loss. Giving yourself up over something big does not bode well for the long-term. It can lead to resentment. And unresolved resentment ends up as contempt.

Couples are often afraid of conflict and assume it means they have a bad relationship. But healthy conflict is good for growth as long as you repair well. And in this case, as long as you know how to negotiate.

Successful negotiation needs careful preparation. The first thing to do is to find out where this new challenge sits in your relationship. Does it sit between you and separate you? If so, then take it out and put it on the table in front of you – then move onto the same team and start the work together.  Identify your shared values for the negotiation first. Then identify your goals.

Prepare yourselves by asking what anxiety feels like in your body when you’re triggered. Find your own soothing mechanism that you can use during the process when you begin to feel upset.

Next break the bombshell down into pieces. What does it mean? What is important?

What do you think, what do you feel, what do you want and why?

Once all your cards are on the table, it can be helpful to put a value on them. Perhaps a number according to their importance to you. How important is it? Are some more important? Others less so?

Consider how the different options might turn out for you – with an open mind.  Knowing what you want is not the same as getting what you want. However, it is an essential part of negotiation because you must be standing on your own ground before you can choose how and where to move to. It must be an ‘I chose this because’, not an ‘I had no choice, I had to keep him/her happy’.

It is vital that you know what you want on your own behalf, and then you can ask yourself what you might want on your partner’s behalf. In this way we take responsibility for our choices.

Win-win solutions are hard to attain and require a lot of self –awareness, patience and especially a lot of courage.  You will need to be curious and genuinely interested in your partner’s values, reasons and preferences.  Most importantly, remember that negotiation is an ongoing process.  It is not a single event.

If this seems like really hard work – it is. But it can be fun too, especially if the bombshell is just about a move. I know from experience because my husband and I went through it several years ago when we moved country, continent, culture and language – with our three children. And then we went through it again nearly 20 years later when we moved home. But it was worth it because at no time has either of us been able to blame the other for the tough stuff. The reason being that each one of us made the choice ourselves – with both feet.

Good luck!

 

 

 

Do you feel as if you just keep hitting the same old brick wall with your partner? Do you get that sinking feeling in your belly, that ‘here we go again’ feeling? You know that you have fallen in the same old hole and have no idea how to climb out and stay out for good.

Rest assured that we all know the feeling. Dr John Gottman, relationship researcher, has found that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. We all have them. They are known as gridlocked issues because the shape of them becomes completely rigid and there seems to be nowhere to go.

So what are these things that we so consistently argue about? There are many of course but the top five are as follows:

Money

Money represents security and freedom around lifestyle choice. But generosity, or the lack of it, can also be a big part of what we fight about around money. Perhaps generosity is a key value to you. Or you just don’t apply your generosity to money, but rather to something else.

Then of course there are those who earn to save for a rainy day and those who earn to live for today – and they often find each other and then spend the rest of their lives arguing the toss.

Home responsibilities

This can mean the household chores, or it can just mean life admin. All those boring bits that just have to be done.

We often take the ‘how to’ routines with us from our childhood home and then argue about which way is right. Or we have developed our own style and the ‘how to’ provides us with plenty to argue about when we want to.

What makes things worse is when the load is not shared or equal and one partner feels resentful. Eventually there are frustrated clashes about lack of appreciation and a sense of fairness. Sometimes, one gives up the fight and just does it all, but then the resentment brews ever more strongly until it explodes in outright anger and harsh words.

Extended Family

The in-laws are the cliché of marital fights but it can also be step children, ex-partners in blended families, best friends or anyone either emotionally involved or closely associated with each other’s worlds. We often fight when others infringe on our time together, sometimes not equally appreciated by both partners. There may be personality clashes – after all we didn’t fall in love with ‘them’, just him or her. Worse still, there can be interference and influence and then you’re up against unseen elements as well as the ones right in front of you.

Time

This is an argument about how we spend our time.  It’s an argument about priorities. We can be together in the same house, or even the same room and yet not connected and feeling alone.  It seems ok to start with – after all we can have different interests – but eventually the divide becomes too big to bridge.  And as for our personal technology….. Resentment and hurt set in. We feel judged and abandoned and then everything feels wrong.

Sex and Physical Affection

This is a big one and a very common one. Differing sexual desire. Different appreciation of physical touch and intimacy. The most common problem here is lack of communication and an inability to be honest. Many of us don’t even know what we really want.

So What To Do About These Gridlocked Issues?

Firstly, you need to identify them. Name them and notice what triggers them and how YOU keep the argument going. We all have our go to patterns. What are yours? Agree on what you repeatedly argue about and there – you have an agreement. This is the beginning of the movement that eventually allows the gridlock to open.

Secondly, and before you talk about the disagreements, notice what you agree on within each issue.  There is nothing more encouraging than to find what you agree on first to give you a measure of energy for the next bit. Chances are that there is at least one thing, if not more. This is how you begin to move onto the same team. Separate out the agreements from the disagreements.

Thirdly, once you begin to get a sense of being on the same team with some things, you can agree to disagree.  Now you’ve identified things and named them, they will have begun to feel less toxic. They may feel more contained rather than feeling as if the whole relationship is defined by these same repetitive arguments. You will notice them before they have overwhelmed you and you can keep them at arms’ length while you decide on your best approach together.

Next, decide how you want to be as you discuss the issue. Decide on your tone, body language, use of words, level of calm. What message do you want to convey apart from the content? Choose how you want to come across for the best outcome.

And finally, when you feel a little safer, begin to look underneath the issue and ask yourselves what are you really fighting to get? What are you really longing for? This takes courage but it’s the most important piece of the whole thing.

Rest assured, that once you’re able to be more deeply honest, these gridlocked issues will have opened up and will no longer feel so rigid. And once you have movement, then you have choice. And when you have choice, then anything can happen.